Flat Iron Cooperative Coffeehouse, Bellows Falls, VT (2018)
October 2025
I am not the best therapist. In fact, there is no such thing. There are some therapists who do quite well with many, if not most clients, but no therapist does well with every client. For a therapist to say, “I’ve been successful with every client I’ve ever seen” is to say, “I’ve been successful with every relationship I’ve ever been in.” Yeah, right. Another way to think about this is to ask this question to yourself: “Would you want to be in a relationship with just anyone?” I hope your answer is no. Therapists are human beings, not AI. (And no, please do not pursue a relationship with an AI, let alone use it as your therapist.)
Then how do you decide? Here’s my opinion: Both your ‘gut’ and your ‘mind’ should calmly say “yes” when you try out the therapist.
As with any relationship, fortunately there is no formula that would guarantee success. Neither your gut nor your mind will always be right, either. Also, make sure that your gut and your mind are equals. When the equal partners both calmly say “yes,” then you’re moving forward with the best decision you could make. The rest is up to fate, luck, God, universe, randomness, chaos, emptiness, etc.—whatever your beliefs are about reality.
Some specifics:
Obvious as it might be, if your gut says “no” or even “maybe,” then I’d recommend looking for someone else. There are plenty of therapists out there. Your gut draws from past experiences, so if it’s not saying “yes,” then it’s saying it’s not very hopeful. Some of us have minds that try to override the gut (more on that below), and while that might be helpful if you’re trying to curb your spending, a relationship without your gut’s approval would guarantee dissatisfaction.
If your gut says “yes!” with enthusiasm, then make sure you also check in with your mind. You barely know this person—what makes you so enthusiastic about her/him/them? Again, your gut is drawing from past experiences. Does this person remind you of someone? What wishes and desires are you projecting onto the therapist? In this case, I’d recommend proceeding with caution. If the therapy goes well, you’ll eventually be confronted with your projections, which would be fantastic to explore in therapy.
Best of luck!
Footnote: For those of us with minds that tend to overpower our gut
I’ve been in a long recovery process from this, and I know I’m not alone. For us, aside from learning to listen to our guts more, here are specific things we might need to lax our grip on when choosing a therapist:
Degree(s): Believe it or not, whether your therapist has a Master’s, PsyD, PhD, MD, DO, etc. has no practical, predictive value whatsoever in how your therapy would turn out. (This was part of my research area.) That said, if you’re absolutely convinced that your therapist must have some particular degree (e.g., an MD), then do stick with that so that it won’t interfere with your therapeutic progress. And, if at any moment you hear your gut questioning your decision, please listen to it. Oh, and just to clarify—if you’re looking for medications, then your therapist legally needs a medical license.
Field(s) of Study: Similarly, whether the therapist is a social worker, licensed counselor, psychologist, clinical nurse practitioner, psychiatrist, etc. has no practical, predictive value. All of the above mentioned under ‘Degree(s)’ apply here.
Certifications: You might feel good to work with someone who says “I’m certified in X,” be it psychoanalysis, DBT, EMDR, etc. Again, all that’s mentioned under ‘Degree(s)’ apply here.
Demographics: Some demographic descriptors in therapists’ profiles are clearly designed to indicate who they want to work with, and of course, you’d generally want to follow that. For example, if you’re an adult looking for a therapist, you wouldn’t want to see a child therapist (aside from some rare exceptions). But demographics can be nuanced, and the general guideline is, “there is only one way to find out”—i.e., try out the therapist (ideally in person). For example, let’s say you want to see a therapist to discuss relationship issues. Does the therapist’s gender matter? It sure can—if you identify as a straight male and you feel more comfortable confiding in a male, then you should seek a male therapist, at least to start off. But you can, and might even benefit more from seeing a female therapist. But. . .
Clinical specialty: . . . Here’s the rub. Say a therapist (regardless of gender identity) says s/he/they specialize in relationships. That only indicates that the therapist is interested in the topic, and that maybe the therapist has had extra training on the topic. But does that guarantee clinical competence? Unfortunately no. Again, while it’s a good idea to see a therapist that’s interested in what you’d like to discuss about, the therapist’s competence largely depends on how much inner work s/he/they have done on the issue. Especially with topics such as relationships—we all grow up being fed incomplete, erroneous, and flatly toxic soundbites from birth, and being a therapist doesn’t make us immune to that. Worse yet is trauma and PTSD—never see a therapist who hasn’t dealt with one’s own trauma. Therapists who haven’t done sufficient amount of inner work will pass on to you all their personal issues and social biases. So, is there a way to tell if the therapist has done her/his/their work? Unfortunately not. The only way to know is to try out the therapist and listen to your gut more closely.